From the columist who's praying Messi plays tonight

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Along time ago I agreed a verbal contract with JustDonal to ghost write his autobiography entitled "Dreams of the Dancefloor: The JustDonal Story". Like with any good autobiography it has to be serialised and seeing as the Herald weren't interested I've decided to serialise it here on the website. So without further Apu here is

"Dreams of the Dancefloor: The JustDonal Story" by Donal Skehan

(Ghostwritten by VivaLaPablo)

Chapter 11

I never imagined Kylie Minogue's new penis would be so big. She had taken to walking around myself and Danni's apartment naked so much lately it was the norm. I still think that Danni and I should have tried harder to talk her out of the sex change but she was dead set on it. Ever since the failure of her conceptual heavy metal album "Kylie Bitchface" she wanted to reinvent herself a la Madonna or to a lesser extent Corey from the band. Kylie was now Kyle, this was hard to take for a long term fan.

It was June 21st when I had my first in studio meeting with Dr Dre to produce my second solo offering. Dre was chillin' out as usual, to be honest I was unimpressed with his laid back attitude, it was unprofessional. Dre had laid down some beats for me and although they were good they didn't have the Gareth Brooks/Pet Shop Boys aesthetic I was after. After Dre and Snoop were down smoking their 'drugs' we went to record the first song off the album "Shut you're nizzle stupid bitch" Snoop had done the lyrics but I was unimpressed. I phoned Catriona for a ride in order to my mind off things. Still though I was happy to working with Dre and Snoop. "Shut you're nizzle..." came off really well

although it was becoming more and more driven toward gangsta rap which is something I was trying to avoid since the gangland shooting of Bascially Brian which was brought about by my song "Shut you're nizzle Jay - Z".

Things were good at home for Danni and me at the time, she was still worried about her sister and wasn't pleased with me constantly calling Catriona for a ride. Still though we had a good sex life though her wanting to do me with a strap on was really starting irritate me.

Sometimes I used to miss Basically Brian, not only was he my financial advisor, he was a close friend. I never someone could get a bullet straight up there japs eye. Say what you will about Jay - Zizzle he has excellent marksmen working for him. Brian was there with me through the great times and the even better times. I'll never forget walking in on his threeway Scarlett Johannsen and Anna Nolan, we laughed that night I'll tell you. It was Brian who had urged me to go after Jay Z after Jay at dissed me during an organised Europop/Rap off done in aid of the "Rap and Europop against excessively long hair charity". His words were hurtful he said "JustDonal or JD for short/Hope you contract VD in court/VD Venerial Disease o please/I licked out you're wife's vagina cheese." Not only was that rude but it was icky and the court thing was the first time my attempted murder case had been brought up since I was acquitted.

I decided to go and visit Shambo in prison for the first time that same week. I was putting it off for a while. He'd been very good to take the blame for me in the drugs charges. I seriously didn't think that I'd get caught bringing poppers in Mongolia, how was I to know their illegal there? Shambo had been a good booking agent. It was weird going back to the prison where I had spent those three hours seven years ago for inciting a riot at the bands gig in the prison. Shambo looked like he wasn't doing anything with himself just smoking blow and hanging around it was so different to the vibrant exciting life he led in the outside world. Shambo suprisingly held no grudge against me, I tried to cheer him up by bringing naked photos of Catriona but he was uninterested. It looked like he starting to like taking it up the Josh (Josh Ritter, Shitter!)

Thats all for Chapter 11. Another Serialisation will appear soon.

Seeing as yesterdays post was so poor I still have to fill you in on the latest news from JustDonal inc.

Meeting ends in disgrace

At a recent staff meeting Basically Brian made the mistake of arguing with JustDonal over the website moving to an all gay porn format. JustDonal drunk on his own power/malibu and coke preceeded to get his bodyguard Julian move Brian's offices to the worst place imaginable, Malahide.

JustDonal lays down the law

JustDonal has decided that he doesn't want anyone who believes his band will fail to read the website. These people don't live near JustDonal as they are from the real world.

Not impressed with WI : FI

The latest is that we are going to be getting WI : FI connection in the offices personally I'd prefer a pay cheque.

Top Ten Things of Shambo's CV that suggest he'll never get a job

10. Porked Catriona in public

9. Types 12 words per day

8. Can recite the words to "Somewhere over the rainbow"

7. Put diesel in a petrol car

6. Weed salesman of the month

5. Used to be the guy who sits beside the waterslide and says "ok, you can go". Was responsible for more fatalites then Stalin.

4. Once stuck hand in machine that sharpens pencils

3. Watched "Moulin Rouge" 34 times consecutively

2. 2004 - 2005 cleaned cars for HB Dennis, May 2005 promoted to salesman, June 2005 demoted to car cleaner.

1. Friend of Paul Farrells

Quote of the week - "It looks like Cisse is going to have to play with a strap on" - Mark Lawerenson during the FA Cup Final